The first morning...

I awoke from my exhausted collapse, that which was nothing like sleep. The lump that was my body took up no more that a quarter of the bed, the side of my face still moist from the damp pillow it still lay on. How I moved across the room, unable to stand, barely to crawl, I am unsure. My head of lead denied me balance of any kind, stooping forward dangerously…

My mind drifted in and out of consciousness on the floor where I had stopped. Time took its own course, one that took no notice of my sorry state. Once again I drifted away only to find myself stumbling out of a cold shower hours later and dressing myself. How I got there I do not know, I remember feeling dirty inside and too clearly the fear of the growing pile of my things on the new wooden floor as they left where they had been…

Walking along the winding pathways, endless and recurrent, one step at a time, one breath at a time, my fathers voice continued to give me the will to move as it had done earlier that day…

As I sit from pain my insides do not relax, this pain I realize does not stem from my muscles. It radiates from somewhere beneath, through my lungs, nose and throat until I am coughing and gasping for breath. The choking is from a tight grip closing around my neck. The hand is of my own making, a creation of my veiled thoughts. I attempt to find the source of this pain and hope that it is not from the inside but from the ground that it makes its way into me…

All this while I have been watching myself struggle. I have left that body but can feel what it feels. But the empty shell is not only missing the part of me that is floating above its head, for I feel empty too. Sick and unable to re-enter that sad self again, I am unable to be the person beneath me. The person I am supposed to be. It seems my mind and heart has for once chosen the same path. One that is so far in the opposite direction from where I am headed that it has separated itself, only to realize I am now in two, yet stuck in the same place…

I float right in front of my body, for the first time daring to look at myself from anywhere but above. I see there is a hole in my centre from where my soul is leaving my body. My soul is leaving me in search of her. Leaving me, for her.

Words of love...

Listening to love songs
as i sing along
in my head, she tells me
stories of broken hearts,
lives, desecrated lands
she reads from pages
inside her
lyrics of rebellion
we can share
no words of love
she speaks
though she sings
no words of love
written, given
no words of love
inspired to create
and write, give
i hit repeat as it ends
and she goes on
no words of love...

Krishna nee begane...

There is something about Krishna that warms my insides. Something that has entered my body and is resting in my mind. Something from the words i was told as a child and am told even today. The love in her eyes when she talks of him in her childhood and how her lips mouth his name as tears stream from her eyes in pain and even in gratitude. Her lover and life. Krishna the playful child. The handsome blue god.

But krishna was a player, a trickster, more than only in a playful childish way. He broke hearts as gods and men do. He was a liar and chose sides, fought wars that weren't his to fight. Yet as i think of him knowing all this, knowing in my head he was not the flawless and just creature he is made out to be... a part of me wants to close my eyes and sing...

'Krishna nee begane, baaro...'

Life and loss

Today i found out that a good friend of mine lost someone really dear to him... it was sudden and no one could have known it was coming... but just like that, it happened... and nothing could stop it...

What im about to write is just a reminder to myself and everyone who stumbles upon this here about some things we tend to forget... we all know life and death i something we cant fully comprehend, death especially... and thats why it is important to remember and do certain things... like who you are... who you want to be, and to be that person no matter what the odds... do the things you really want to do... do things that make you happy... and even if they dont make others happy... sometimes you need to do them anyway... put yourself and your needs first... and know that that doesn't mean being selfish and ignoring others needs... stop taking the world for granted... stop taking the people around you for granted... say what you want to say, what you really mean... dont hide... dont keep your ideas and opinions hidden inside you... dont be afraid of the world... as scary as it is... tell everyone you hate that you hate them and why.... especially the ones that have hurt you and used you... if strength falters and it still hurts inside, then tell them that too and let them know you aren't afraid of admitting it... be proud of who and what you are and dont blame it all on yourself, it might really be their fault after all, just like your friends keep telling you ... believe that a lot of what happens is just chance... and bad (or good) timing! And the two most important things... be with people who make you smile... with people you truly love... dont let anyone tell you who that can be... if being the only human and having 10 dogs makes you happy... then live like that... Dont listen to people who tell you what the right thing to do is.... know that there is no one right thing... fall in love... not once but over and over again... and when you are in love... let the feeling run through every inch of your body and dont waste a single minute of it... tell that person and all those you love and who love you how much they mean to you.... remind them every day.... dont think it will get tedious or repetitive... it wont... making someone feel loved is as important as feeling it yourself... and when you tell someone you love them... make sure you really mean it!

Im not saying life is short ... it may be... it may not... but lets just not forget that everyone isn't as privileged as us and not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy... so lets try and make the most of it...