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the brittle eve broke
into a thousand stars
upon my longing
they had come to me

gentle night fought through
light and whirling sand


she caught my words
blown on roaming winds

now I wait hoping on return
they may carry her too

The first morning...

I awoke from my exhausted collapse, that which was nothing like sleep. The lump that was my body took up no more that a quarter of the bed, the side of my face still moist from the damp pillow it still lay on. How I moved across the room, unable to stand, barely to crawl, I am unsure. My head of lead denied me balance of any kind, stooping forward dangerously…

My mind drifted in and out of consciousness on the floor where I had stopped. Time took its own course, one that took no notice of my sorry state. Once again I drifted away only to find myself stumbling out of a cold shower hours later and dressing myself. How I got there I do not know, I remember feeling dirty inside and too clearly the fear of the growing pile of my things on the new wooden floor as they left where they had been…

Walking along the winding pathways, endless and recurrent, one step at a time, one breath at a time, my fathers voice continued to give me the will to move as it had done earlier that day…

As I sit from pain my insides do not relax, this pain I realize does not stem from my muscles. It radiates from somewhere beneath, through my lungs, nose and throat until I am coughing and gasping for breath. The choking is from a tight grip closing around my neck. The hand is of my own making, a creation of my veiled thoughts. I attempt to find the source of this pain and hope that it is not from the inside but from the ground that it makes its way into me…

All this while I have been watching myself struggle. I have left that body but can feel what it feels. But the empty shell is not only missing the part of me that is floating above its head, for I feel empty too. Sick and unable to re-enter that sad self again, I am unable to be the person beneath me. The person I am supposed to be. It seems my mind and heart has for once chosen the same path. One that is so far in the opposite direction from where I am headed that it has separated itself, only to realize I am now in two, yet stuck in the same place…

I float right in front of my body, for the first time daring to look at myself from anywhere but above. I see there is a hole in my centre from where my soul is leaving my body. My soul is leaving me in search of her. Leaving me, for her.

Words of love...

Listening to love songs
as i sing along
in my head, she tells me
stories of broken hearts,
lives, desecrated lands
she reads from pages
inside her
lyrics of rebellion
we can share
no words of love
she speaks
though she sings
no words of love
written, given
no words of love
inspired to create
and write, give
i hit repeat as it ends
and she goes on
no words of love...

Life and loss

Today i found out that a good friend of mine lost someone really dear to him... it was sudden and no one could have known it was coming... but just like that, it happened... and nothing could stop it...

What im about to write is just a reminder to myself and everyone who stumbles upon this here about some things we tend to forget... we all know life and death i something we cant fully comprehend, death especially... and thats why it is important to remember and do certain things... like who you are... who you want to be, and to be that person no matter what the odds... do the things you really want to do... do things that make you happy... and even if they dont make others happy... sometimes you need to do them anyway... put yourself and your needs first... and know that that doesn't mean being selfish and ignoring others needs... stop taking the world for granted... stop taking the people around you for granted... say what you want to say, what you really mean... dont hide... dont keep your ideas and opinions hidden inside you... dont be afraid of the world... as scary as it is... tell everyone you hate that you hate them and why.... especially the ones that have hurt you and used you... if strength falters and it still hurts inside, then tell them that too and let them know you aren't afraid of admitting it... be proud of who and what you are and dont blame it all on yourself, it might really be their fault after all, just like your friends keep telling you ... believe that a lot of what happens is just chance... and bad (or good) timing! And the two most important things... be with people who make you smile... with people you truly love... dont let anyone tell you who that can be... if being the only human and having 10 dogs makes you happy... then live like that... Dont listen to people who tell you what the right thing to do is.... know that there is no one right thing... fall in love... not once but over and over again... and when you are in love... let the feeling run through every inch of your body and dont waste a single minute of it... tell that person and all those you love and who love you how much they mean to you.... remind them every day.... dont think it will get tedious or repetitive... it wont... making someone feel loved is as important as feeling it yourself... and when you tell someone you love them... make sure you really mean it!

Im not saying life is short ... it may be... it may not... but lets just not forget that everyone isn't as privileged as us and not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy... so lets try and make the most of it...

Reflections (an old one)

Even the moon cannot resist
But to reflect what is in your eyes
So that I
Lonely on my windows edge
May watch him
Showing me what i know so well
Miss so terribly

But do you see me there
Unwillingly reflected
In all my weakness
The bulls-eye in perfect view

These eyes betray too much.

....!

When did beauty become a dagger
digging into my stone heart
was it meant to draw blood
for im slowly running dry.
Jeweled knife engrave a name
that of your mistress
for it is as beautiful as she
let me feel the pain beauty gives.

Entries!

Your making me watch the door closely
even when im facing the other way
my eyes and ears are alert
pricking up at any sign of movement
heart sinking as someone else walks through
I miss your abrupt and memorable entries
your unexpected and graceful appearances
You use to make them so often
so perfectly timed and unpredictable
so pleasing.

Half song

Nobody deserves to be treated this way,
Not even me with my sins circling my head
Sins appointed by this asinine society of ours
And the christian community too
(though i am not a part of them).
So fuck off, now that your done fucking me
It was too good to resist at the time
And it just turned out well for you
But you loved it too, i heard it in your breathing
Now its cold cause you left me outside
You and your warmth walked the opposite direction
Leaving me to stagger into darkness for shelter

This is a half song, incomplete as a reflection of me
as a reflection of your sensitivity and cold heart...

Ready, Get Set, Love....

I want to step out of this skin of mine
Leave all the memories behind
Live each day without the knowledge of my past
I want you to do the same
I want you to look at me and fall in love again
Without the care of it consequence
I want to go back to the start