It feels like I’m getting a taste of what it would be like living alone… or the first few months of living with new roommates in a new house…. Something to that extent… and I don’t like it!
Ha, I suppose I knew that already. I’m just not the type… but maybe it wouldn’t be this hard. Here there is a hierarchy already in place and as you enter you fall into place under everything already set. No matter who you are or how well you are intentionally treated. The placement in such cases is set and registered by emotion and feelings such as comfort, communication with fellow live-ins and that kind of thing.
So you begin realising how this situation is playing out and that there is not much you can do about it because of the kind of person you are… whatever that might be, and first the shadows start to settle over your head. Iv been there already, I suppose that being done and over with and me moving on is what allows me to write. With the tears of loneliness and being tired of itching when caught feeling out of place (which seems to be always) having ceased to rest for a while… you end up thinking about none other than those who DON’T make you feel that way. Suddenly the importance of these people and the small silly things they do to make you feel at home and part of them… the continuous conscious effort in the early stages, wells your heart and eyes up all over again. This time maybe in a nostalgic good way… the bittersweet realisation… bitter only because you have probably taken them and their ways for granted so terribly that you want to drown yourself now! And if you haven’t, well… good on you!
When the giggling and the loud voices from the opposite room don’t stop… you’ve understood that you’re on your own. The ones who don’t know you too well are probably thinking you’re a loner or some sort of warped thinker who doesn’t know or like to socialise (which might well be to your advantage at this point in time) and the ones who do… well, they obviously don’t know you as well as you thought and don’t really care. The little effort (if you can even call it that) that is put in from their side, in their eyes is like sacrificing their heads to save yours! Trust me, they think way too much of themselves and ‘all the things they give’ for us. One could say what they give us is a road leading to the sea not knowing (I hope! For their own sakes…) that one single drop of rain would be sweeter and more appreciated. And so you learn to pass the time on your own, and smile to make others not bother anymore with you when necessary. The music that you don’t want to listen to playing through the house is only going to drown when you finally put on those headphones and blare whatever it is that makes you happy from your saviour…. Your florescent pink covered ipod!!
Before you know it you are writing at the speed of light… or at least at the speed your computer will allow you and the feet and head are moving with a beat only known to you. The kind of solitude that you are proud of having all to yourself. Who said being alone had to be a bad thing. Instead of feeling excluded from whatever it is the world is doing, know that your little world is more fun then theirs ever will be and know that they are not invited! Smile and let the music move your body… you know it wants to. Let the thoughts race and the fingers on your keyboard come along for the ride…. And guess what… there is no more race you have to win… only feel the wind against your face…
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment