Drunken painful rants...

Why is it that those of us who start out as losers, end losers? Just cause im used to being dumped... used and taken for granted, doesnt mean i want people to treat me that way... But it keeps happening... Dosent matter where i am or who with. What this girls problem is or if she really has one at all... none of it matters, as long as im at the receiving end of the bull shit and pain...

I feel like a moron tonight... for trusting someone.... for thinking that if i do the right thing things would work out... for putting so much effort into doing the right thing and being screwed over anyway.... i feel like a moron because even though i know the right thing gets me nowhere, gets me hurt, gets me pushed aside, i insist on taking only that path...and for believing that something good could come my way...

There is nothing to say that will rid me of my annoyance, nothing that will ease the pain... so im writing this instead... venting my frustration and hoping it will empty my mind and heart enough to let me rest tonight... (seeing as its 3 in the morning!)

(years of being the clown and the agony aunt for all my friends has put me in the place i am today, which is the following!)


So many of my friends who are supposed to be my 'closest' ones and all that jazz are unhappy with me right now... and here is the bloody thing! i am tired of negativity, tired of everyone moaning and groaning about how bad their lives are and how everyone is mean to them and how no body cares... well guess what... i dont give a damn anymore... i am tired of everyone wallowing in self pity... ur boy dumped you?! someone cheated on you? NEWS FLASH! your not the only one and crying about it forever OR feeling guilty will not help.... trust me this time will ya!

i refuse to make people feel good about themselves anymore... u got a problem, learn to solve it on ur own... ur not always gonna have someone to help you... surely not me! Nope! No more! Be self sufficient, its an essential survival skill or did u never notice...?!

Heres another thing, your not the only ones with issues... and just cause i dont go around announcing whats making my life hell doesn't mean my life is one big chunk of paradise! I assure you, though u might think ur problems are gigantic and worse than everyone else's... your probably better off than most of our populations... so we should be ashamed of ourselves for being such whiny little brats!


what im getting at here is very simple... so lets all take a deep breath and say it together... GET OVER IT!!!!

a bad ending

Today i was sure nothing could make me feel bad or upset me... i was in such a fucking good mood! Why? because i found out from school that i did in fact make the mark that the IB world sets for us students to decide if we are worthy of the diploma certificate and that they were the ones who had made a mistake in checking my papers, not me!

So while floating in this happy state... or bubble if you will... i was hoping at least the day would pass me by without the inclusion of any sharp objects, so to speak! but i had no such luck... come nightfall and the aftermath India winning the 20/20 world cup thingy (which by the way, i admit was fun and credit to Pak, they played brilliantly)... drunkenness and men.... two things i dislike... especially put together... and well, some other things and details that i rather not mention for the sake of those i love... and for the rest too i suppose... but point being with a 8min episode i had to go through, my entire night was ruined... and the part that makes me angry is... i dont fucking deserve it!! Casue all i did was try and help someone who asked for it... but i guess thats just what u get! right?

Half song

Nobody deserves to be treated this way,
Not even me with my sins circling my head
Sins appointed by this asinine society of ours
And the christian community too
(though i am not a part of them).
So fuck off, now that your done fucking me
It was too good to resist at the time
And it just turned out well for you
But you loved it too, i heard it in your breathing
Now its cold cause you left me outside
You and your warmth walked the opposite direction
Leaving me to stagger into darkness for shelter

This is a half song, incomplete as a reflection of me
as a reflection of your sensitivity and cold heart...

Grrr...

i would be a dangerous person if i did in fact have a gun,
for these fingers pointed at my head can only do so much.
All my imaginary fiery destruction they watch me enact,
it would be much scarier if i was given a chance to make it real.
The violent shivering when my muscles flex in secret at thoughts,
they would do so much damage if they were let loose.

My eyes scare them when they come close enough to look,
they dare to come close only after I have stopped changing colour.
The scars on my own arms subside much faster than expected
and to their advantage they don't notice blood till its dry and healed.
My smoking body is eventually shown fake calming affection,
once its evident i wont burn their elegant fingers or even char them...

,,,