Spin-ster!

(I wrote this as an accompaniment to a short ariel-dance piece I choreographed for myself as part of a 3 week ariel performance workshop with Brandy Leary... il try and figure out how to put the vid of it up next!)

I awake to the sound of my breathing. Within myself first and then on the outside. Where I have awoken I cannot always tell right away... At times I wake into a dream that resembles a reality, other times into a reality that could be a dream. But then again who can tell which is which?

Haven't you ever wondered if you'll suddenly wake up and find all of this has disappeared? that it was only a dream?

I no longer do.

My faith lies in the laws of gravity. Especially when they fail. I need nothing more, for i know in the end i still feel alive.

I continue spinning, in and out of control... and when the world is a blur even when steady, how does it matter what direction I am turning in?

I am asked to turn in sync with the world by people who do not turn it. But I move to my own rhythm. The one i began with, awoke with.

In and out of consciousness too i go, only to wake some place else.

Watching the skies

I do not see the sun. But the sky is filled with clouds a brilliant golden orange. The light plays hide and seek with itself as the clouds dance across the sky. A Kite rides the wind waiting for something, for it watches what goes on below but does not hesitate. The air smells like rain, yet not a drop has hit the ground. And as if in response to my realizing its nearing the peacocks begin to call from the rooftops around me. The traces of the sun are quickly fading leaving what seems to me a clear blue sky. My deceptive eyes watch the light clouds, layered so densely i cannot see beyond, as they pass overhead bringing towards me a much darker canopy, steady in its course. I have been told by an elder that it is not the dark clouds that bring rain. I hope they were wrong.

you there...

trust that i will not fall
alone
your hand will follow
when in need
i shall still resist
until i need no longer
that hand to hold

trust that i will know
for longer
than my heart does remember
the hand to hold
when in need i will
reach out
to the hand to hold

Drunken painful rants...

Why is it that those of us who start out as losers, end losers? Just cause im used to being dumped... used and taken for granted, doesnt mean i want people to treat me that way... But it keeps happening... Dosent matter where i am or who with. What this girls problem is or if she really has one at all... none of it matters, as long as im at the receiving end of the bull shit and pain...

I feel like a moron tonight... for trusting someone.... for thinking that if i do the right thing things would work out... for putting so much effort into doing the right thing and being screwed over anyway.... i feel like a moron because even though i know the right thing gets me nowhere, gets me hurt, gets me pushed aside, i insist on taking only that path...and for believing that something good could come my way...

There is nothing to say that will rid me of my annoyance, nothing that will ease the pain... so im writing this instead... venting my frustration and hoping it will empty my mind and heart enough to let me rest tonight... (seeing as its 3 in the morning!)