Entries!

Your making me watch the door closely
even when im facing the other way
my eyes and ears are alert
pricking up at any sign of movement
heart sinking as someone else walks through
I miss your abrupt and memorable entries
your unexpected and graceful appearances
You use to make them so often
so perfectly timed and unpredictable
so pleasing.

Sniffing rain!!!!!

It smells like distant rain... must be the result of a downpour somewhere. Its dark as evening and its not even time for tea yet. But this whether is welcomed with open arms... by me that is. And maybe a couple of others, sitting in their offices or balconies bored with the morose world around them. All of us are just there... letting the air that smells so good encompass us for those five minutes and we close our eyes and imagine its all better. Everybody is trying to get away from something. Everybody wants something else... and here is that escape. For me of course its mainly only the rain that i want. Il hide in its veil... from whatever... and just enjoy the feeling of an enourmous force that is not ruled by petty human nature like everything else is...

Of course there is no real waiting for such a thing... for though its happening is inevitable... its timing is completely unknown. So much so that in all reality, it is not expected for at least another two months. But here i am sniffing away at the overheated ground that is ready and calling for it and the sky which is returning its call.... in some way or another!

But hey, i havnt finished writing and the suns already fought its way through a couple of determined clouds!! he he... hmm... the Ahmedabad sun... always prevailing!! Hmmm.... this wait for monsoon is always sooooo bloody long!

Half song

Nobody deserves to be treated this way,
Not even me with my sins circling my head
Sins appointed by this asinine society of ours
And the christian community too
(though i am not a part of them).
So fuck off, now that your done fucking me
It was too good to resist at the time
And it just turned out well for you
But you loved it too, i heard it in your breathing
Now its cold cause you left me outside
You and your warmth walked the opposite direction
Leaving me to stagger into darkness for shelter

This is a half song, incomplete as a reflection of me
as a reflection of your sensitivity and cold heart...

Writer...

She writes on loose sheets of paper
floating about the room
she picks up her pen every so often
at a loss of words drives it through, tearing it
she writes on everything she finds
her slowly wearing jeans
invisibly on beautifully curved backs
on equally beautiful minds
women's of course, for men have neither

(But the trees don't have wounds)

'Melting Clocks' or 'The Persistance of Memory' by Salvador Dali

i feel what these clocks are saying... i feel what the painter is feeling... i feel the essence of it at the least... and then of course come my own interpretations... that is after all what art is for... understanding a meaning so deep that no matter who you are you can find something to relate to in your own life... give it a meaning that makes your heart stir...

Here is what it means to me... or reminds me of.... the ants feasting on the shut clock... all those people who insist on feeding their pride and glory on your past mistakes... your past in general... who flaunt what you did and what they didnt... all those little stupid things that could so easily be put behind you... and even away from the ants... maybe in more recent times.. there is still that one fly... picking on you... buzzing... unstoppable... the noise... just going round and round your ears making you more and more uncomfortable... and it knows you cant react and squash it the way you really want to!!! it makes you hold all that anger in until you just burst.... the lack of importance it seems to give itself.... how our lovers leave us so easily... giving our past exactly that little importance.... the melting of the time.. ur history... the fluidity of it... the heat that made it that way... the boiling temperatures that did it... leaving only you... in that state... half spilt over the side of an edge... hanging off a dead tree... the state of desolation... life of those memories... and life of now... something that continues... unchangable emptiness.... hmmm.... thats what my life feels like... melting clocks....

The Swaminathan Women

Its my grandmom's b'day tomorrow and long story short... a lot of her side of the family have flown down to A'bad for it.... here are some people i have never met in my entire life... or at least not since i was two... of the 10 or so people most are women... women who are strong... women with mothers and children... women who love to laugh and love.... women who live life the way they want to without a man to lead them.... women with daughters... crazy women .... Swaminathan women!!!

I dont know these women but i love them... they are amazing... what strength and courage... this is my family... my roots... and how simple yet important it is to feel like you belong... and i felt it... today... one of those rare times when i think i really do belong... these are people i want to be.. want to learn from... i dont know how to put my feelings into words... but suddenly i feel less liek a freak... or at least... less like a freak alone... heh... i know whereever i am, they are behind me... around me.... inside me... there are fireworks that have set themselves off inside me... my blood is the same as theirs... i have a family that is like me.... me... me who is so different.... iv found a part of me... and it feels so good to be part of something.... to be part of something while still being your true self

beautifully haunting memories...

This world was never meant for anyone as beautiful as the both of you.... god i miss them.... my own little girls....

The fickel summer wind...

'The summer wind, came blowin in - from across the sea
It lingered there, so warm and fair - to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song - and strolled on golden sand
Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

Like painted kites, those days and nights - went flyin by
The world was new, beneath a blue - umbrella sky
Then softer than, a piper man - one day it called to you
And I lost you, to the summer wind

The autumn wind, and the winter wind - have come and gone
And still the days, those lonely days - go on and on
And guess who sighs his lullabies - through nights that never end
My fickle friend, the summer wind'

if only it were that beautiful.... but.... but.... but....!!

Women are fickle... yes, they are.... really.... the ones around me especially.... and it makes me wonder if its just them... or us as a species... the men were always like that... so it comes as no surprise... but the women? It makes me almost not want to be one... or does it? scary thought that is... because i love being a woman... but not someone fickel... and what option do i have anyway? Be a man?!?!?!? no way!! god! I guess there is no good in this thought... its like a dog running after its own tail.... and for all the feminist blood in me... this one time i cant deny it... because they these women are a wall of water before me... and even when i can swim they will drown me... and the clarity and purness everyone can see, shows me only the truth... makes it easier to see the reality... so when they return to the idiot that i am... i already know!!


Wait... if none of that made any sense to you now.... just wait... they'l get you too... not once.... over and over and over again... and no it doesnt matter if your a man or a woman... becasue human beings were made this way, both the sexes... and we are the lowest and most detestable of the worlds creations...

Zombie me....

After no sleep for over 3 days... it feels (though untrue) that i have no mind body coordination at all... you know that experiment game thing they make you do where if you hold one part of your body completely still for a while and you end up feeling like its not there... yeah well... this is sorta like that too... and this rambling state comes with... my eyes cant exactly see what im typing... im hoping the words im saying in my head are the ones my fingers are typing... but u never know right!!

strangely, with all this tiredness the last thing i want to do is sleep.... maybe its how when ur too tired u cant sleep... but its also this feeling that i wanna be outside house... and not sitting still... and though my math exam was a disaster today... IT is the reason iv been awake and am feeling so pooped now.... and its over.....!!! NO MORE MATH!!!! lol... i feel like i should be celebrating.... if only A'bad had a good pub/disco.... booze and dance (and some pretty girls if possible... ahem ahem!!).... aaaaaaahhhh!!!

Of course, all these ideas are what i want to do according to my mind.. if my body had the energy it would kick my minds butt for even thinking of moving................... wow! talk about a weird sentance!!!

Ready, Get Set, Love....

I want to step out of this skin of mine
Leave all the memories behind
Live each day without the knowledge of my past
I want you to do the same
I want you to look at me and fall in love again
Without the care of it consequence
I want to go back to the start